Why Positive Communication with Your Tween or Teen Matters (and Why Yelling Doesn’t Work)
- Joe Kelly
- Mar 15
- 3 min read
Parenting a tween or teen can feel like navigating a rollercoaster of emotions, attitudes, and unexpected challenges. As your child grows, they begin to assert their independence, challenge authority, and test boundaries—all while experiencing a whirlwind of physical, emotional, and social changes. In these moments, how we communicate as parents can make all the difference.
Many parents fall into the trap of yelling when frustration builds, but research and experience show that positive communication is far more effective in shaping your child’s behavior, strengthening your relationship, and helping them develop emotional intelligence.
The Problem with Yelling
It’s easy to raise your voice when tensions run high, but here’s why yelling doesn’t work:
Shuts Down Communication – When you yell, your tween or teen is likely to stop listening and become defensive. Instead of hearing your message, they focus on your anger.
Triggers Fight-or-Flight – A raised voice can activate your child’s stress response, causing them to either shut down (withdraw) or push back (argue, yell, or rebel).
Normalizes Aggression – Kids model what they see. If they experience yelling at home, they may learn to use anger or shouting to resolve conflicts elsewhere.
Damages the Parent-Child Relationship – Over time, frequent yelling erodes trust and emotional safety, making your teen less likely to open up when they truly need guidance.
The Power of Positive Communication
Positive communication isn’t about ignoring problems or letting your child do whatever they want. It’s about setting firm boundaries, fostering respect, and maintaining open dialogue—without yelling.
Here’s how to shift your approach:
1. Stay Calm and Model Self-Control
Your tween or teen is still learning emotional regulation. By keeping your tone calm, even in difficult moments, you model the self-control you want them to develop. If you feel anger rising, take a deep breath, count to ten, or step away before responding.
2. Use “I” Statements Instead of “You” Statements
Rather than saying, “You never listen to me!” try, “I feel frustrated when I’m not being heard. Let’s find a way to work through this together.” This reduces blame and invites collaboration.
3. Listen More Than You Speak
Teens often feel unheard. Show them that their voice matters by actively listening. Put down distractions, make eye contact, and acknowledge their feelings before offering advice. Sometimes, they just need to vent before they can process solutions.
4. Set Clear Boundaries with Respect
Positive communication doesn’t mean letting go of rules. Instead of yelling about consequences, clearly state expectations and follow through. Bad Example: “If you don’t clean your room right now, you’re grounded for a month!” Good Example “I expect your room to be cleaned by tonight. If it isn’t, there will be no screen time tomorrow.”
5. Validate Their Feelings
Even if their emotions seem exaggerated, their feelings are real to them. Saying, “I understand that you’re upset” or “It sounds like you had a tough day” helps your teen feel heard and respected, making them more receptive to your guidance.
6. Offer Choices and Problem-Solving Opportunities
Rather than controlling every aspect of their life, give your tween or teen some autonomy. Example: Bad Example “You’re going to this family dinner, and that’s final.” Good Example “We have a family dinner tonight. Would you rather leave at 7 or stay until dessert?” Providing choices allows them to feel in control while still respecting family expectations.
7. Repair After Conflict
No parent is perfect. If you do raise your voice, take responsibility. Apologizing shows emotional maturity and teaches them that making mistakes is part of being human. “I got frustrated and yelled earlier. That wasn’t the best way to handle things, and I’m sorry. Let’s talk.”
The Long-Term Benefits of Positive Communication
By practicing positive communication, you’re setting the stage for: Stronger trust and emotional connection. Better problem-solving skills in your child. A more peaceful and respectful household. A teen who feels safe coming to you with real issues
Parenting is tough, and we all have moments of frustration. But when we choose connection over conflict, respect over yelling, and listening over lecturing, we help our tweens and teens feel valued, supported, and equipped to navigate life’s challenges.
About Joe Kelly: Joe Kelly has over 40 years of experience in working with individuals of all ages. He has been school counselor for grades K-12 and an Alternative High School Principal. Joe is a 5th Degree Master Martial Artist in the art of TaeKwonDo. He hold two masters degrees and is a Certified Master Life Coach (CMLC) and a Certified Parent Life Coach through the Jai Institute.
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